She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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