I showed him my bush... on skype.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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