My underwear smells like fireworks.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
