WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
