I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
