wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
