I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
