checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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