i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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