Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just high enough for therapy.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
