I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
