I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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