Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
