i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
