So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
