Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
