Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
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