I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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