From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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