Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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