Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
