I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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