Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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