Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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