i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
