a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
