Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you win again, gameday.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
