Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I need to stop coming to work sober
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
