You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Then you guys just all showered together...?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
