You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Let's paint friendship bongs
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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