connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
