dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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