WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
