Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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