She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
