Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
