i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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