Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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