Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
