It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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