you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
