High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
