Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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