She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
