I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
