She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Terrible idea I love it
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
