i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
