Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
