I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
