cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
