Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We have so much sex to catch up on
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
