my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
