you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
