He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
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