i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
