Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
