remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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