I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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