I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
