Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
